I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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