my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
