So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
