I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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