I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
