Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
