Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The best revenge is premature balding
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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