i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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