she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
