I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
