so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
