when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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