Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
