My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
