My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
