8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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