my mouth tastes like poor choices
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
