Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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