Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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