I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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