if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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