Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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