i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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