she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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