No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
