Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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