Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
