i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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