Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
