Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
