I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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