Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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