I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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