Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
