Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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