you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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