i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
