There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
