I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
