why didn't you poke me back
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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