Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way