1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."