i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did I show you my penis last night?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
