so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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