____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
