when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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