i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
