Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
