Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
