You smell like stripper and shame
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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