I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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