3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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