does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
