one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
