I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
