I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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