dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
