so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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