The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
